


White Rhino Tea

by Yeti



Series: Tales from the Teahouse [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Fantasy, Gen, Hallucinogens, Humor, Tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3612108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeti/pseuds/Yeti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A humorous introduction to the universe of The Glass Moon Teahouse, and the series of shortish original works of the Teahouse series. In this story we meet Sasquatch the burly proprietor of the teahouse and his experiences with the somewhat infamous White Rhino tea. Its short because its really meant to set the scene of future Tales from the Teahouse which are standalone short stories that are all loosely linked. References to mild 'herbal' drug use so be warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	White Rhino Tea

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first Original Work I've published and I would appreciate feedback. I'm using these to build a world for later writing endeavours.
> 
> It's a fantasy world that borrows from a lot of different places, from history, fantasy worlds and my own crazy imagination. Any resemblance to anyone else is probably unintentional, unless its not. Please do not use my characters or my world without asking me.
> 
> I pinched the title from one of my favourite bands songs, so thanks Ed Wynne and the Ozrics.
> 
> I don't have a Beta, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. If anyone would like to help me in future I would be supper appreciative and appreciate any advice about ways of getting fiction out into the world.
> 
> I strongly recommend listening to The Sword - Apocryphon to get into the mood of the fic or Ozric Tentacles - Strangitude. Enjoy fine people and please comment.

**White Rhino Tea:**

 

It was the tender beginnings of spring, the trees were newly green and flowers were just building up the nerve to look like they were blooming. The field out the back of the Tea House was showing signs that it was weeks away from exploding into vivid Technicolor, and therefor weeks from filling the air with pollen and scent.

Sasquatch was glaring balefully at the field as Limerick, his tea trader, unloaded several sacks of the usual caravan tea as per his order. Sasquatch streaked his collar length dark brown beard and folded his arms over his chest.

"There." Said Limerick. " twelve sacks of the best caravan tea, I got some other newer blends of you like though." Sasquatch looked at the diminutive man, his round spectacles and balding white hair. He had a hooknose and a general eccentric look about him, which made you think he was perpetually out to lunch. But in a business deal, Limerick was a force to be reckoned with. It was rumored he had dwarf in him, explaining his scant four foot eleven frame. He looked tiny next to Sasquatch who stood a casual six foot two.

"Hmmm... Do you have any more green from the east?" Sasquatch grumbled and Limerick chuckled.

"No, but for you I have half a sack. It's from the South East though, where the rice eaters dwell." Sasquatch nodded.

"And what small kings ransom do you want for this?" Limerick laughed.

"Sas, for you I make no profit." Limerick said and Sasquatch laughed slapping him hard on the back.

"You're a bastard Limerick." Sasquatch said pausing dramatically and fixing the tea reader with a hard star. Limerick stiffened, it was a well known fact that Sasquatch earned this name not just because he was tall and dark like his namesake, but because he was a hell of a brawler in his day and purportedly used to bare knuckle box the cave people from whence his name came.

"But your my kind of bastard." He added laughing, sauntering over to the raiders caravan. Sasquatch gazed over the different sacks and labels smelling the leafy aroma.

"What's that?" Sasquatch asked pointing at one sack, it had the word Bergamot on it. Limerick took a breath, still recovering from his mild fright from the large man looked over at the Item he pointed to.

"Ah, that's from an apothecary in the west. It's your caravan tea, but flavored with a medicinal herb. Here." The tea merchant clambered up and opened the sack a little taking a handful of leaves. The tea house proprietor smelt the infusion with its distinct citrusy scent and cocked a bushy eyebrow.

"What's it do?"

"Well buggered if I know... He said something about women with depression." Limerick shrugged. Sasquatch pondered this for a moment.

"Ok, one sack." Sasquatch said casually, Limerick shrugged.

"I'll give it too you at three quarters normal price."

"Half." Sasquatch said, clambering into the wagon looking at other teas. Limerick made sounds of protest in the back and Sasquatch ignored him.

"Fine two thirds." The big man said and Limerick muttered agreement.

The dance continued for a few moments more as thee sacks of tea from the slopes of the mountains in the Far East were procured, and two sacks more from near the deserts. Sasquach was about to call it a day when he several unmarked sacks. He smelt them, and they had a strange light scent a bit like tobacco and wild elderflower. It was nothing like he had ever smelt before and it in treasured him. The more he smelt it, the more attractive it became, like a mysteries becoming him to bed on a warm winters night.

"What about that one?" The brown man asked pointing. Limerick gave a vague look, preoccupied with Counting his copper and silver.

"Oh that..." Limerick said, still counting. "They call it White Rhino tea. It comes from the arid countries over the southern sea. I picked it up by accident. Those southern men are shifty buggers."

"I'll take half a sack, and if I like it I'll grab more before you leave town." Limerick looked at him.

"That stuffs as rough as a badgers arse Sas." Limerick said. "Well, so I'm told." Limerick shrugged.

"Have your half sack on the house. I can't move that stuff anyway."

"Done!" Sasquatch said and shook Limericks hand before he could change his mind. There was something intriguing about that tea, but he didn't know what. Besides half a sack, he could introduce it at a discount to the usual patrons and easily make some profit on it. Teahouses didn't run on nothing after all.

Bidding the tea merchant farewell for the day the burly man hauled the sacks into his storehouse and set about the day’s tasks of prepping for the afternoon crowd that usually came to his establishment. The locals, mostly old soldiers and wayfarers who liked to keep one foot in their former lives, as well as the travellers, mercenaries and wandering vagabonds who stopped by the tea house for a rest or word of possible work and adventure.

He knew his clientele, arguably he was his clientele but he would never say that out loud. His days of wandering and brawling were passed, or so he liked to think. There was a lot of truth in the matter to you attracting your own kind though, and there was one thing Sasquatch did know, after a long journey there was nothing better than a cup of teas. Especially a cup of tea that might help one unwind after a long had day, of traipsing around beating up trolls and god knows what else.

It was a well known fact that some of the tea blends at Sasquatch's tea house, The Glass Moon, were more than your average tea. Nothing that would cause anyone serious trouble however. There were to be no brawls or robberies in his establishment, something he enforced with the upmost prejudice. Sasquatch had a reputation after all, and so did the Glass Moon. It was safe, it was somewhere where there was little to no judgment so long as you didn't do anything that contravened the tea house rules:

1\. No Fights in the Tea House.  
2\. No Taking Advantage of Other Patrons.  
3\. No Tabs Kept for Patrons.  
4\. Absolutely, Under No Circumstances, Will Necromancers be served.

That last one was particularly important, the tended to make the place stink and often brought their entourage. Horrible-shambling-filthy-creatures terribly, and bad for business.

Adding up his stock and noting it in the ledger he kept, he did a quick assessment and looked back over his lists thinking he probably did need to order a few teas with Limerick before he came back through in three weeks. The burly man pondered and grumbled to himself till he was satisfied at his stock, profit margins and that the somewhat legendary diversity of tea he could offer was indeed maintained he decided to check on the cook and perhaps make a brew of this newest tea before having lunch.

Maynard was in the kitchen preparing something that smelled admittedly better than it looked. The Ex-King of thieves was a much better cook that anyone was willing to give him credit for. There was a very good reason for that, as they all knew dam well that they would never here the end of it. It was hard enough sitting through another round of 'when I was the kind of thieves in Schadelstadt…' let alone 'When I was beaten black and blue and taken in by the cook of the monks of Navarone and nursed back to health…'

"What's the special tonight?" Sasquatch asked.

"Afternoon to you too, oh proprietor of the teas." Maynard grumbled chopping what looked like a bunch of parsley. Not looking up he started chopping the herb and said casually "You don't get it till the Gods get it big man, and if I have to tell you that again, there might just end up being meat in the food for once." Sasquatch pulled his hands back from the pot and laughed paying the old man on the back.

"Fine, but at least tell me what it is so I can write it on the board you scrawny old bastard." The big man laughed and lumbered out of the kitchen and into his establishment.

It was late afternoon by the time Lys arrived all cherry and freaked rosy cheek under her shoulder length red hair, a little pink from the spring sun.

"You all right Sas?" She said in her thick local accent making it sound more like 'Ye Aaaawl Raaaait Sas?' she hugged the big man as she always did and he grunted a hello and went back to doing a last count up, pausing between jotting figures down to stroke his beard.

"Its a wonderful day isn't it?" She chattered as she popped out the back to say hello to Maynard who as always was happy to see the buxom young woman. Lys came back out with a bowl of stew and plonked it down at the table where Sas was sitting finishing his own meal before they opened for the night.

"Is it good?" She asked eyeing it.

"Its not bad." The beardsman said. "A little salty." he said finishing up his and eating the last of dry chunk of bread.

"Are you making tea?" Lys asked and the burly man laughed.

"Impetuous youth." He said chuckling, Lys rolled her eyes.

"Keep that up and I'll start calling you Uncle Sas." She said with a smirk. The big man grumbled.

"I was actually, but I was going to make some of this new tea that I got from Limerick."

'Whats it called?" Lys yelled from the kitchen where she took the dishes, giving her thanks to Maynard who as always blushed when she gave him a sweet little kiss on his baldhead. She stood almost six foot at twenty, a testament to her mixed heritage. It was an open secret that Lys father had been a warrior from the hill tribes, a barbarian by any other name. A hulking brute of man, taller than Sasquatch even, and like him a sword for hire. That's how the two had met.

Actually they had met when Lys's father took a shot at Sasquatch for laughing at him loosing a game of strength in a tavern in the east. Ragnar had been steaming drunk and was quickly felled by Sasquatch. Ragnar was stubborn and a real brawler. Sasquatch was even more stubborn and wasn't about to let something go.

It took them twelve months of work to pay off the damage to the bar, and they were barred from the Hogs Head in Tristania for a year. But it was the start to a long and prosperous friendship. They eventually went their separate ways when Ragnar met Lys mother Freya. Later, when Ragnar had been poisoned by the son of a Warlord he sent a message to his old friend. He pleaded Sasquatch to do the funeral rights of his people, as he was the closest thing Ragnar had to a brother. One thing led to another and Sasquatch had agreed to stay nearby the town and see his daughter grew well.

How Sasquatch got the Glass Moon Teahouse is another story, and one for another time. Suffice to say, that's how Sasquatch ended up with a half barbarian for an adopted niece.

"Uh… White Rhino or something." The burly man said. Lys screwed her face up as she moved to the front door to open it and put the sign out saying they were open.

"I'll have some of the green tea from the far far east."

"Suit yourself." He grumbled as he went out back to the 'staff' kitchen. It was rely the small kitchen that was attached to the part of the teahouse that served as Sasquatch's home. A modest dwelling joined to the main Teahouse by the storeroom. It had a small lounge, his office and the staff kitchen. His room was up a small flight of stairs.

He put two pots of tea on the boil and made sure to make enough tea for two cups for Lys. For himself he eyed the White Rhino Tea with its little white flowers and tobacco smell, he made sure to put a hefty does in his strainer. He liked his tea strong, and liked to do three or sometimes four brews to get it right. After giving Lys her tea, he went back to his experiment, making one brew after four minutes that was a light ochre, another after six that was as dark as his beard, the final one was as black as the night sky and had a slightly different smell to the other.

He pondered the tea as he drank each of the brews, the first one was hardly of note. The second was good, flavorful and had a hint of the tobacco, a kind of warm humid sweetness. The third however, Sasquatch decided was the best it had a caramel taste to it, but was light and satisfying. It was an interesting brew, at once different in its mixture of flavor and at the same time not so alien that it would offend the less adventurous of customer.

"How's the new tea?" Lys shouted as he wandered out to the front of house, Sasquatch was feeling pleasant warmth from the brew in his stomach. He hadn't realized how dehydrated he had been, he was starting to feel a little lightheaded as he made it to the front counter.

"Its nice. I like it." He hummed and took a moment greeting Lysander one of the old gnarled warriors who came in most afternoons to play cribbage with anyone who dared challenge him. "Its funny because Limerick said something about it being as rough as guts…" The burley man pondered this as he started to feel warmer and warmer.

"Do you want to serve it tonight?" Lys asked, the big man didn't respond he seemed to be staring intently at the ornately patterned rug on the floor. "Sas?"

"Huh… what?"

"Do you want to put it on the board?" Lys asked and then cocked her head. "Sas are you alright."

The big man was standing wide-eyed looking at Lys, his pupils as big as his full moons. Lys walked towards the big man very slowly.

"Sas how much tea did you have?" She asked cautiously.

"Three." He muttered still staring at her with a strange look in his eyes.

"Light, medium and dark?" He grunted agreement, there was a slight sound in the background as the few people who had come in the late afternoon, stopped talking and started watching what was going on with the proprietor. "Sas you look a little queer…" Lys said carefully.

The big man nodded. "I feel a little strange Lys."

"Maybe you want to lie down out back?" He nodded, suddenly feeling a little unsteady on his feet; he lurched and leaned against the counter looking at the red head.

"Lys?"

"Yeah Sas?" The big man said with a strange tone in his voice.

"Yeah?" She said softly.

"Can you look after the place for the night?" He seemed like he was fighting to hold it together, Lys nodded. "Good he said." The big man pried himself off the counter to stagger out back, leaving Lys looking at the door that he just left through; she then looked back to the teahouse. Everyone seemed to shrug and go back to what they were doing except Lysander.

"What's up with him?" The old warrior Lysander asked squinting a little as Lys shrugged.

"New tea."

"What's it called?"

"White Rhino or something." She said.

"Ah." sander smirked knowingly.

Suddenly from the back of the Tea House store there was an almighty roar that was unmistakably Sasquatch.

"HAIRY BALLS OF THE GODS!" Lys flinched till she heard deranged deep laughter that again could only be Sasquatch. Lys looked back to the old warrior who was grinning.

"Put me aside some, I'll be in later tomorrow." He said with a glint in his eye.

"I don't know if we are serving that one Lysander." Lys said with a concerned look. Lysander laughed and nodded, shuffling his cards.

"Right." He said dripping with incredulity. "Just tell Sas when it's on the menu, Old Lysander will have a tea set of it one night." The manic laughter permeated to the front of the Tea House again this time with high pitched giggling.

"Uh… sure Lysander. Sure." Lys said and then added. "I'm just going to uh… go." The young woman quickly headed to where she thought Sasquatch might be, but got to the back room of the stood only to see the back door ajar and the warm summer breeze coming thought.

"Hell." she said and turned when Maynard appeared.

"Boss is gone?"

"Yeah. I think he's seeing things from the tea." Lys said looking worried. Maynard shrugged not seeming to care.

"Oh well." He said and pulled an apple out of his pocket and took a bite casually. "We can do a half share in the place if he dies." The cook said and Lys just looked at him like he was some kind of strange creature that had crawled out of a marsh. "Think it over, it's a good offer." The Ex thief said and sauntered off.

***

Sasquatch felt like a Yeti had given him a right hook. This feeling was punctuated when water was poured on his face and into his slightly open mouth causing him to cough and splutter and sit up much too fast roaring like a cave man. He stared balefully at the offending person realizing it was Maynard standing there in a white singlet and pair of cotton trousers.

"He's alive." Maynard shouted into the open door of the back porch behind the Tea House. "Unfortunately." The bald old thief added.

"Great seed of the maker." Sasquatch said as he slowly stood up, staring at Lys who came out of the teahouse.

"Uncle Sas!" She yelled and then pulled him into a crushing hug.

"Easy lass, easy." The bearded man said wincing and rubbing his head. "Not so loud."

"You had us worried!" She demanded. Sasquatch looked at Maynard who shrugged.

"She was worrying, I figured we'd find you face down in the river." Sasquatch grimaced at the cook.

"Charming." He said. Maynard shrugged and wandered inside leaving Lys with the burly man. "Oh come on Lys, its fine, it was just some strong tea." Sasquatch tried to pacify the girl.

"That was some tea then." Lys said incredulously. He laughed putting his arm round the girl and ushering her inside.

"That is was." He said chuckling a little. "Maynard, breakfast!" He bellowed.

"Its almost noon you hairy bastard." Yelled the cook and Sasquatch blinked looking at Lys.

"We didn't want to wake you. We didn't know when you came back." Sasquatch laughed.

"I'm not sure either. I couldn't find my key." He said a little sheepishly. Lys looked at him and rolled her eyes.

"You had me worried sick, I had to tell mum I was sleeping over in case you got hurt." Sasquatch winced knowing he would hear it from Freya later that day.

"Ah, well other than looking a little strange, no harm done." The big man said as he sat down at the table and Maynard brought out a bowl of fried mushrooms, tomatoes, potatoes and refried beans. Sasquatch was grateful for the heavy greasy food. He needed something to make him feel nailed to the ground after the night he had had.

"Don't say I don't do anything for you." The cook said and headed back to the kitchen. Sasquach grunted a chuckle and set to eating while Lys put some bread and butter next to him sitting down.

"What happened Sas?" The big man who was gratefully eating paused and looked at the young woman, her green eyes and pretty face awash with concern.

"Uh… maybe a story for another night." He said and went back to eating, trying not to laugh a little at the whole ordeal. Lys rolled her eyes, knowing when to giver up on her adopted uncle.

"Fine then." She huffed. "But you're feeling fine?" He nodded and kept eating silently.

"God you're worse than the stories about my father." Lys grumbled. "I'm going to write up the boards before I go home. I'll be back later." Sasquatch nodded still eating. Lys looked at him for a moment and then headed over to the boards and started to write with chalk. The room settled into silence as the burly man finished his first meal, then got up to head out back and wash his dishes.

"Lys?" He asked turning to look at the younger girl.

"Yeah?" She said looking concerned.

"Do us a favor, write that we have a new special." He said and she frowned.

"Special tea?"

"Yeah." He said and moved into the doorway, then paused and said over his shoulder. "White Rhino tea." He walked into the back ignoring the angry grumbles from Lys and made two mental notes:

1\. Get more White Rhino from Limerick.  
2\. Get the sigh amended to say: 5. No White Rhino for First Time Patrons.


End file.
